


Seven Nation Army

by orphan_account



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: :0, Affairs, Bisexuality, Cheating, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fuckbuddies, Lots of Crying, Moral Dilemmas, One-Sided Attraction, Polyamorous Character, Prison Sex, canonverse, handcuffs but not in the way you think, just being in prison, lots of sex in unconventional locations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-07 08:38:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4256739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>yall i think im gonna put this one on hold, for my own reasons just being busy atm and then cos i started a little side project that may expand into a much bigger deal whatevs yall aint gonna miss me i think ive hit my zenith with hits and feedback anyways so i aint getting much out of posting updates myself</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Just another one of those suvira backstories, from kuvira perspective </p><p>and a dash of korrasami on the side</p><p>(((there's smut)))))))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue (I've fucked up)

She didn't come. I know I shouldn't have felt entitled to instant forgiveness, but considering the avatar herself showed up numerous times, it might have ticked me off I never got a second of her time.  
I should be grateful they locked me up in Zaofu, honestly, things could have easily and reasonably ended up a whole lot worse, but no, whoever was in charge said i was ordered to return to inprisonment in the city I used to hold such high esteem over. I can't say I was complaining, considering they kept my cell clean and fed me on a regular basis. What more could I ask for?  
So Korra showed up within weeks, not an ounce of resentment left in her body, and subjected me to a good hour of her and her new girlfriend's antics in the spirit world after we opened a new portal--the day I was arrested. I just listened. This is all the entertainment I get. Nevertheless, the mighty avatar wasn't holding anything against me, although from the sound of it her girl refused to have anything to do with me, but what was I expecting? A lot of people want nothing to do with me. That's what I got myself into, I have no right to complain.  
It still surprises me when my ex-fiance himself traipses into the room weeks later with his nose in the air and refusing to even grant me eye contact. And to do what?  
Baatar stares up at the ceiling, clears his throat, and tells me he's dumping me.  
I want to laugh.Really? I'm being dumped by the guy I told I loved, looked straight at, and shot with a laser cannon. What the hell would provoke him to do such a thing?  
My eyes train on the floor below him, trying not to make some shitty comment to piss him off even more, but instead settle into a uncomfortable silence in the hope I will get the chance to get some information that matters out of him.  
"I'm sorry. For what it's worth, at least." he scoffs, easy enough when I'm chained to the floor at his feet.  
"I'm sure you are."

He presses his lips together, turning like he's about to leave and I scramble for words to keep him there.  
"Can I ask something of you?"  
"Do you honestly think you're in the position to be asking things of me?"  
I laugh dryly, whatever to keep him there.  
"True enough."  
No response, I look back up at him trying to plaster on the most sincere expression I can. If I knew how I caught his attention in the first place, I'd use that.  
"Do you--," I stop, unsure if this even makes sense to him. "--do you know if Su is ever planning to come down here?"  
"I wouldn't know." he snaps, "And you have no right to know in the first place."  
"Can you ask?"  
Baatar is extremely easy to read, and his face clearly shows everything I need to know. He has no idea, and his mother has probably made an effort to completely disregard my existence this whole time. He just doesn't want to be the poor fuck to bring me up, because, simply put, no one wants to invoke her likely suppressed anger over me.  
"Tell her to come."  
He stays silent, eyes narrowing, then sighs, running one hand through his hair.  
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Kuvira."  
"It was worth a try."  
He leaves without another word.

What they don't tell you about prison: half the time you want to murder someone, half the time you're just really fuckin' sad. And your hands go numb from the handcuffs, you start thinking way too much, and it starts to dawn on you how pathetic your entire existence has become. It's almost hilarious. How perfect everything was, how far I had gotten, and it all went to hell regardless of all the countless shit I had to pull off to get there. All the people I sacrificed want nothing to do with me, my empire has fallen apart, and I'm--I'm in fuckin' _jail_. And there's no way I can still repair the relationships I ruined. There's no way to fix this.

As melodramatic as it sounds, I could stand it. Being here, chained to a wall, living out my punishment in silence for however long it may be if she came. It chokes me up every time someone else will show up with half-assed declarations of forgiveness and awkward comments about how well the world does without me, cause I just want _her here_.

I'm the same little kid like this, homeless and malnourished, that Su dragged off the street-- nothing ever changed. I grew up, conquered cities, built a name for myself, and nothing _ever changed_ in the end. I still end up staring out at the ground like if I look dejected enough some empathetic rich person will grab me and let me bury my face into their shoulder and cry about everything that hurts and how damn lonely I get. And all she'll say is _it's okay_ , and _you didn't do anything wrong_. I'll _help_.  
Well sorry to burst your bubble. I'm the biggest fuck-up you will ever meet and this time you won't come.  
No matter what hurts.


	2. Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "slow build" my entire ass  
> this is still only the exposition

"Kuvira, you're still stepping off wrong."

I stop, looking back with what I hope is a winning smile, holding my arms out in a shrug and trying to appeal.

"I took an overnight shift. No ability to count today, _my apologies Sensei_." Apparently my sleep-deprived charm is still on point, even if my routine isn't, because I get off with an arms-crossed eye roll that she throws my way without a comeback, stepping back to count us off again.

"--Unless we need a flag or something to hold up so Kuvira knows where to come in."

My partner next to me giggles and I shove her playfully, smiling back and letting them laugh it up, not necessarily because I crave attention, but almost completely because of the slight smile I watch out of the corner of my eye as I settle back into position. I focus on it, and step off right, the same smile that reads easily as _what was I expecting_ , and that I'm used to now, cause Su gets me, and I've settled easily into that form.

I'm not treated like her kids. Maybe I'm closer to her than a normal guard because of our past, but I was never treated as if I was a member of her family-- not that I'm complaining. It doesn't matter to me in the least, and maybe more so because of my tendency to stray off her ideals, considering she will remain indifferent to my choices. There aren't expectations, resentment, we coexist, and coexist nicely. I couldn't get that from a parent.

 

 

"I was the only one available to take that shift, if it counts as any excuse." I flick my locker closed with a finger, sliding over and begin to tear my arm bandages away as I lean against the lockers to watch her lazily. Certainly not checking out how amazingly ripped she is before she pulls a shirt over her head. Just watching.

"I was _teasing_ you," I roll my eyes this time, ripping away the rest of the bandage from my skin and flexing the feeling back into my wrists. Su flips strands of hair back from where they've gone astray over practice, glancing back my way with a smirk "I know how being guard captain is, trust me."

"Well you looked a little put-off just now, I was wondering..."

She seems to stop, eyebrows cinching down in a familiar pout for a second, but blinks back to what I've grown to recognize as normal too fast for it to really be anything, right? My imagination.

"What would give you that impression?" I run a finger down the slats of the locker I'm leaning against, shrugging it off as exactly that, my fucked-up imagination.

"Guess i read into it wrong." I flash a smile just to accentuate my innocent idiocy, running a hand back through my hair as she smirks in silent agreement, turning to leave, but whipping back around before reaching the door to commandingly point a finger my way.

"--And _stop_ taking overnight shifts before practices, I understand your position as captain comes first but that also means you have the power to call anyone in for these specific routes."

"I know."

 

 

I tried, ok? I tried so fucking hard back then to save myself from the endless torrential bullshit of an all-out obsession, but I couldn't stop it. It just hurt sometimes, like a constant burn in the back of my throat every time I so much as thought of it. I thought it would end with the jealousy, something i could overcome in time, but it grew into so much more.

Of course it started out simple enough, it had to, platonic, innocent, as these things typically are, right? Nothing more than childlike admiration for my role model. Innocent as hell.

 

 

It started at the wrong time. Or maybe my timing was spot fucking on, I sure as hell can't tell. It seemed wrong.

I take shortcuts. Never was one for a scenic route, even more so if I'm returning from a night shift. i get off from guard duty at the main estate around midnight, move around the larger part of the building and cut through the never-locked conference room to the other side. I have rooms on that side. I get rooms. I'm guard captain. And also adoption (?) tied to the matriarchy so I get my perks.

Same time, same route, trade off with my replacement with a passing word about assigning him the longer shift tomorrow night, and pull off my heavy head gear as I press down on the door switch.

I freeze.

We use the conference room for meetings with important people, making important clan-related decisions, et cetera. So I'm mildly surprised when I see her, curled against one of the couches in fetal position and at first glance, asleep.

Be a leaf. I read it in a book once once on technique back when I first joined the troupe, how to stay soundless and light on your feet, an old airbending trick, even though I'm nothing close to an airbender. I still manage quite well, for maybe two feet, clicking the door shut soundlessly and taking one step forward.

She whips around instantly, fully awake and unarmed, but still with both arms poised in a defensive stance.

"Just me." I hold up both arms, helmet still in hand and press my lips together. Su falls back instantly without a word, dragging her legs back up against her chest and turning away from me.

"I use this as a shortcut," I continue, moving less cautiously around the center of the room "I didn't know you would be in here or I would have--" I stop just behind the couch. "--are you crying?"

"What would give you that impression?"

I sigh, turning back and collapsing across the couch, laying my helmet on the ground at my feet. At a closer glance she does have the red-rimmed eyes of someone recently in tears, but looks fine.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really." But I do catch the blinking back of tears, sniffling behind a hand she raises to her face, obviously with some problem that I am now determined to resolve as I lean forward to take the armor from my shoulders and drop it on the floor next to my helmet.

"Try again."

"I'm serious, It's nothing."

"Then why are you in here at twelve fourteen in the damn morning?" It's summer, one of the most painful times of the year when your entire job is walking around in uninsulated metal armor plus helmet, and I have to drag the back of my hand over my forehead just to keep sweat from pouring down. Sure this is seductive.

Su doesn't crack easily, leans back casually and poses it sincerely, the ghost of some sad little smirk hovering over the corner of her mouth.

"I just couldn't sleep."

"Then why are you crying about it?" Her eyebrows pull back down, caught."It's alright, I don't mind or anything. You should tell me what's going on." It's bold of me to reach out, real bold, but I do, sliding my hand over hers as subtle as possible. She doesn't move, the side of her thumb brushing against the palm of my hand and then goes still.

"It's _really_ not worth talking about." My shoulders have cramped under their guards, and I roll them, breaking the stubborn silence with their cracking as I raise an eyebrow in disbelief.

"We're close. We can tell each other shit like this, right?"

"Are we close?"

"I've known you longer than I've known anyone in my entire life. I'm not considered your child, yet I appear to be the only guard or troupe member you regularly see and talk to. _We're close_."

"Fair enough." She sighs, resigned to explanation. I get a certain level of satisfaction out of that; beating her in any argument would normally boost my ego a fair amount, under normal conditions, anyways.

 

"Do you..." she stops, looking out at nothing like she's reconsidering even bringing it up, "Do you ever feel like you don't deserve half the things in your life?"

I had never considered it, but for her sake, I run a hand through my hair with a whispered "I guess."

"You don't have to do this, you know." She leans forward, head cocked to stare directly at me. "You just got off shift, I understand if you just want to go, I can handle this."

Why would she ever think I'd just leave? Haven't I made my devotion clear enough by being this persistent? And she thinks I'd turn back now. I sure feel special.

"Well now I'm worried, you've gotten in too deep to be able to chase me off that easily." it earns me a sad little smile."So who'd you kill?"

"I didn't _kill_ anyone." She laughs softly, obviously melancholic but less...pathetic. Good sign.

"So what's the big deal?"

She shrinks back in reluctance, almost indecisiveness, trying to get out of it, I understand.

"You know the story of how I got kicked out of Republic City?"  
I shake my head.

"I never told you?"  
Nope.

"Do you even know how I got arrested?"

I had heard parts in light conversation, nothing specific.

"Not the whole thing."

"Assisted robbery. I drove the car, caught,arrested. I guess that I got away was just due to the fact that my sister was the cop."

That hurts her, somewhere, to bring up. I faintly remember times when Toph used to come visit us, brief mentions of the police chief who just held too much resentment towards her little sister to show up once. I've never had a sibling, but I can see that hurts, and wonder if it could add to her pain.

I can't fix that.

"That's ironic." I mumble out just to carry the conversation on, and she continues with no further words in regard to it.

"I was taken to the chief before anything else, and of course she let me go," She stops, probably uncovering an entire fucking mountain of rough memories. "That's when I went rouge, I guess."

"One hell of a story."

"I would elaborate, It's just beside the point."

"That's okay."

"But you don't understand, I had been so involved in crime even before that point, I deserved to get some kind of punishment for that."

"You got lucky."

"But do you even know how many times I got lucky?" And I see it, finally, the way tiny pieces of her start crumbling and caving into the perfect shell she's created. "I never worked to get anywhere in my life, it was...charm...and luck," These cute little scale models of the city cover the table in the middle of the room, and she throws a hand in their direction. "None of this was me, either!"

"But didn't you..."

"I bent a few pieces of metal, Kuvira." And I drop it even though I know it's an under-exaggeration. "Thing is, I've basically wasted my entire life on bad choices and somehow ended up playing this game where everyone thinks I'm perfect and someone to look up to and I'm just not," I keep my mouth shut, letting her vent, cause fuck knows it's the first time she's been able to actually articulate everything. "... and I've never been and I don't know how to keep this up."

 

"Is it even right to keep up this _façade?_ "

I wait whole seconds to know she's done, pressing a closed fist to her mouth and staring ahead like I won't notice the way she's changed in the last few minutes.

"It's obvious enough that you've made a few mistakes in your past, but don't you think you've made up for that?" It's hard to find the right thing to say, and nothing would have me prepared for this, but I want to try. I need to. I need her but I can't need her without needing her to be okay first. "Whatever it is that's suddenly triggering this, try to get it out of your mind. Stay in the shadows, put yourself back together, try to rediscover everything you've done right."

There's no ignoring the way I silently jump at the desire to help put her back together and press my lips together lest I accidentally smile at the idea.

"What have I done right?"

Me.

"Well..." I look up wistfully at the ceiling, wondering exactly how conceited I can make this sound. "Everything you did since you left Republic City...everything you did wrong...all happened precisely right and in time so you happened to be passing through that village at the same time I was out begging for food. Was that something you did right?"

Old history. I was left on the streets as a kid, forced to scrounge off the streets to stay alive, and Su picked me up the moment she saw me and brought me back to live with her. I was eight.

"Oh."

"And you're the best thing that ever happened to me so there's that'

I've won.

"And I know I'm not full compensation for everything you guilt over but what about everyone else-- me and all of your kids, a-are we worth it? Could we be what you did right?"

"I love you guys."

I have won. My ego just bursts but I hold it down with both arms just to see this through. Su looks at me like I've impressed her in some weird way, but if I've gotten her to open her eyes about her "façade", that's all I ever could want.

"I know there's no denying how they feel, but for what it's worth, I love you too." And that hurts. Suddenly just saying that in all its platonicallity hurts. Like I want it to not be so _platonic_. And the oblivious way she smiles back just isn't understanding of what I mean by that.

"Thanks."

"It's completely okay." No it's not.

"I mean," There's hesitation again, but it's different this time, less burdened, and she doesn't shrink back at all, maybe has even drifted centimeters closer when I wasn't paying attention, not that I'd complain. "I don't know if there's anyone else I'd actually open up about that to..." Stops, like she would ever have to explain to me, and continues, "It's not that I don't trust...I mean--"

She lets out a long sigh, like she's trapped into explaining. I let it play out, watching her from across the couch silently.

"I can tell him basically everything, just not this, it--" and continues after a few seconds in little more than a whisper, "...it makes me feel _weak_."

"I don't think that makes you weak."

" _Exactly_ why I talk to you." It's undeniable at this point we've shifted closer, and I lift myself up off the couch to sit closer, an innocent motion to seem closer.

" 'M sorry." She starts slipping back again, and I push my personal bullshit aside to grab here back. "I don't know why this is all happening so sudden and I really shouldn't be loading all that shit on someone else, I just--"

I do it, I grab her shoulder and let her fall back against my chest and into whatever abyss it is she's falling into. It takes less time than I expect for her to pull herself together, still leaning against the cushions with her face pushed under my chin like a kid until I realize how impossible our proximity is.

Something within me curses my idiocy for getting into this position, especially after I realize she's not even wearing a bra.

Now. Really? She's having an emotional breakdown and you're getting all turned on over someone not wearing a fuckin bra like a teenage boy.

Maybe cause we're alone, maybe for hours, and we've already...established a breach in personal space. I reach up and absentmindedly dig my fingertips into her hair just to hold on to something, until she looks up, staring blankly into some point between us with her chin still resting lightly on my chest and oblivious to my thoughts. Slowly, she takes a hand from my back and plants it behind my head, starting to push off of me before I can gather an excuse to stop her.

"Just stay here."

Su completely freezes, like she knows exactly why I'm so reluctant to let her go, but doesn't open her mouth to protest when i carefully wrap my fingers around the back of her neck and pull her back down.

It's not long before she jerks away, but her reaction is delayed enough for the feeling to linger for seconds over my lips and...

Holy shit.

I start to wonder if the split seconds she hangs onto my lips is long enough to mean something, but it ends up not. She's already pulling herself back, sliding away to the other side of the couch with the back of her hand pulled up over her face and glaring back at me in a mix of surprise and confusion and just livid. I feel high. Like I'm half-aware I had the real nerve to kiss Suyin Beifong.

It's some idiot of a move to not say anything, but I'm overcome by some kind of panic and press my face into my hands, but instead of panic I realize how peaceful I feel. Laughter muffled into my hands, I turn halfway towards her, almost pityingly, knowing her probable state of shock and ignoring it.

"I really have no excuse for that." I sigh, gazing back in curiosity at what she could possibly yell back.

"Damn right you don't." it's more of a stammer than an accosting as I expected, and I blink back silentlly until it becomes clear I'm not getting yelled at this time.

"Are you mad?" I try slowly, and she's not. Shocked, shaken up, whatever I could use to sum up the complete mental disarray I've thrown her in, possibly worse than before, and this time it may not be so easy to talk over and fix in a few minutes.So I add, slower, fucking daringly:

"Was that really so wrong?"

Wrong choice.

"Yes! That was extremely wrong and I don't know--" her tirade cuts short and she continues under her breath. "I can't believe you just did that."

Feeling's mutual.

"So why aren't you mad?" I swear my nerve needs to be destroyed. Her eyes widen, opening her mouth behind her hand to respond but ends up gaping, eyes traveling around the room in search of a scripted answer and finding none.

"You liked that. Is that why?" I don't know why I keep trying, since it's by miracle that I haven't had my head on a stake yet.

"What--Because I'm a forgiving fucking person, Kuvira-- holy shit--!" Doesn't finish her sentences, starts cursing, it's familiar and I know what it means.

"You're lying." I proclaim with maybe too much confidence, unwavered by the resulting frenzied expression. But she's lying.

"Why would I lie about shit like this?" At this point she's as way away from me as she can get without standing up, arms folded and sill unbearably attractive. I still find it in me to slide closer, watch her unravel, blatantly teasing her by coming close enough for my knee to touch hers. If I die, I'd better die trying.

"So many reasons, though." She tenses even more, becoming even more closed and rigid the closer I draw to her side. "But who would you be hiding from?"

It's not until I stop within inches of her face that she answers with an obvious and less exasperated:

"No one right now, I mean."

"So do you realize how damn idiotic that sounds?"

I don;t have to reach far to kiss her again, but this time it's uninterrupted, and when I lean back she doesn't fall apart, but hangs close enough for me to probably count every one of her eyelashes if i tried hard enough. And something rises in my throat when her hand wraps back around my neck and it's her who pulls me down and deepens it like she never said anything between when she pushed me away and now.

And Su's only figuring this out because I've thought about this scene long and hard and it's only a matter of retracing my steps for me, both hands coming up to meet the sides of her jawline and tangle in the wavy fringe that comes down across her face. I know it's not right, I have known, but can't it still happen? Just cause this shouldn't happen doesn't mean it can't, and it's starting to look a lot like it can, and she's starting to look a lot like she will let it. And that's the confirmation I need.

"There's no reason to be so on guard. We're the only ones here." I reassure her when she glances up with the familiar uncertainty all over her face. That being brought on by fear of discovery or not.

"I know."

It's weird to wonder if this was sudden, if I was the one to bring out this part of her--alter her conscience to suddenly be okay with whatever this is we're doing here. Was this long coming? It makes me euphoric to think she could have wanted this before now, and that I could be the one to fulfill that want.

Weirdly enough, I'm the one left confused and overwhelmed when she pulls me down by the front of my shirt and onto my elbows above her, still dragging my legs up behind me to pin her against the cushions, leaning back down to get more of the taste of her just in case this ends faster than I think. But I give her time, in slight hesitation and glances down every ten seconds just in case she given me an indication this should end, but all I ever get in return is a hand coming up under my tight uniform to lay flat against my back and sending a wave of ecstasy to my mind from the contact alone. Look at me. Blushing virgin.

I'll still drag my hands down her sides, taking full advantage of my position to pass my hands over every part of her I had only seen until now, my attempt to make a point turned into something borderlining straight lust, and probably only to advance further the longer I spend only kissing her. The idea revolves in my mind, how far can I take this, even as I'm loosing myself in her and really shouldn't care but flow with whichever way our wind blows, it ferments in the back of my mind how much I really do want her, and could I try, and what are the chances of this backfiring.

My palm goes flat against her stomach, sliding down slowly and trying hard to give her room to protest, but she never does, even past the point of my fingers slipping under her waistband casually and test my boundaries without objection.

I pull my hand away, breaking off as she ducks her head away from me, lips pressed together and still only centimetres from me. But there's no reluctance when we do meet eyes again, for a split second, and her hands are pulling down on my face, my hand going around her thigh and dragging it around me to lay against my waist. Second pause.

"This okay?" She nods back into my forehead, still pressed down against hers, and I dip down to kiss her again, her welcoming it easily like this didn't only happen to her minutes ago and leaning into my hand when it comes back up to brush against her face, letting my knuckle fall down the length of her neck, curving down in the notch between her collarbones, down her sternum. Something I'd never dare to do until this moment, somehow powerful as I bring my hand back around her waist and she hums back into my open mouth. And she _knows_ that it's wrong. She _knows_ and she wants this.

My hand goes back to her hips, dropping my head back down into the crook of her neck and trailing short kisses up her neck, then hooking my fingers around her waistband and pulling her sweatpants down her thighs.

I get the feeling doing this should seem surreal, but it's very much real and there is no question just how real, some level of normality coming from the way I've fantasized in the past over a similar scene. My face still stays low, letting her twist her legs around mine with her knees pressed into my sides and dropping my fingers back down to where I know she's wide open and I can tease around her core just to take in my position in slower time. Slow is for things that aren't crimes against nature.

I prefer that.

"Stop."

I freeze.

"Okay, I-I'm not doing this. What kind of person do you think I am?" 

Su pushes me back with one arm and I move away carefully.

"That was screwed up." she says flatly, nothing left of her vulnerability in this stone cold face she's donned while I was getting lost in her. I start wondering what is surreal now, because five seconds ago it was fine and comfortable and now it's a crime against nature.

And should I be the one to apologize, to give her space, to retreat like a kicked puppy just because I initiated it? I hover confused in that mindspace, shutting my mouth to let her talk.

"I got carried away. I'm sorry if I was sending any mixed signals." Mixed signals.

Mixed fucking signals.

Oh, I'm sorry, was that me that pulled you down onto the couch with my hands in your uniform, or wrap my legs around her? You're fucking kidding.

I shrug, mastering the face of indifference and grabbing my armor from the floor.

"Alright."

 

 

I'm actually infuriated.

I know saying so makes me sound just like a little bastard for getting mad over something like this, but it's hard to help it. Su made it perfectly clear from our meeting that night and I'm suddenly in the wrong for trying to give it to her. Is that right?

I never really know, because after that night, she won't be caught alone, in a hallway, after practice-- at first I brushed it off as bad karma that she was never free, but it's become apparent at this point it has nothing to do with coincidence . I don't know if she's ashamed of what we did, or regretful, but i deserve explanation. Don't I? It only hurts all the more when I find it impossible to get the entire affair out of my mind, nevermind the actual direction things seemed to be heading in, I obsess over the little things: being able to put a taste to her mouth, running my hands through her hair unjudged and undisturbed, being able to touch her without a valid excuse.

It starts to burn. And I start avoiding my shortcut, for fear of an uncomfortable conversation that will more likely than not end up hurting even more.

Not that I don't cave in eventually, I do. Not even a full week later I go back through my usual route and she's there. Not curled up in defense, looking like a train wreck, but slumped down on one of the couches with an impatient expression and arms crossed like she's been waiting.

I approach with extreme caution, falling back easily against the cushions the farthest I can get from her. She doesn't even turn my way, eyes fluttering closed and sighs as if she's on the verge of exasperation and defeat.

"We never finished."


	3. Not Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> korra gets a seX LESSON  
> i didnt proofread this

"Do your wrists hurt like that?"

"My wrists?" True, the platinum cuffs have pressed into them every day now and go numb whenever I'm freed from my restraints, though I've never spared them a second thought out of the ten million I have daily down here. "It's really not bad," I flex under the hard metal. "I've gotten tough."

"Of course."

"Korra."

She looks up guiltily, like a small child caught doing something they shouldn't. Of course. The agony of me, a fallen-from-grace dictator chained to the damned wall finding out the pristine avatar's secrets. Real _terrifying_.

"Something's on your mind." I twist my hands in their cuffs until I'm turned more in her direction.

"No! No, I'm fine, really." Fuck, I've played this game, Korra. Give it up.

"I've got all day."

"Everything's fine, really...there's still...a lot to do and I'm pretty busy."

It goes beyond the stress of her trying to compensate for not only the few months I spent wreaking havoc but the three years she spent missing, though. Something piles above that, weighing her down the tiny bit more it takes for her to borderline insanity.

"Too busy to talk to me?" She traces one of the bars with her thumb, biting back all of those secrets I just have the entire world to share with. "Did you go back to the spirit world like you said you were?"

"Yeah." She nods back rapidly, a new lilt in her tone that screams with uneasiness however much she seems to try to make it lighthearted.

"How was it? You brought your new girlfriend with you this time again, right?"

"Y-yeah, it was great. Just like last time, the spirit world is really beautiful, you know."

"I recall."

She looks at me softly, no doubt reminiscing over that day we got dragged in, my stubborn ass accidentally creating a easy route to a romantic getaway for the avatar and her girlfriend, as fucking ridiculous as that sounds in words.

"You have fun?"

"Yeah," she sighs, still weighed down by something I'm close to pinpointing. "Lots of...kissing and stuff."

"No sexyfun-avatar-spirit-world-time yet?" You're feeling bold today, Kuvira, wow. But she doesn't appear taken aback at all, looks expectant even, and says simply:

"Not yet."

"That's what's on your mind, isn't it, though?"

"Maybe."

Well how great. Therapist Kuvira may just be making a return today. I motion with a jerk of my head to the bench across the opposite wall, and she falls down into it with a sigh, crossing one ankle over her other thigh and stares back like a child waiting for a reprimanding.

"Talk." I command, and the avatar gazes up at the ceiling with a sigh, letting her head drop against the wall, wincing when it hits maybe a little too hard against platinum.

"I mean..." she starts, lifting a hand to rub the back of her head. "There has been times we've gotten really into a kiss and wanted to take it farther, but something's always gotten in the way--"

"I know the feeling."

"I've been impatient about it those times, too--I-I'm just so damn tired of getting cut short and I thought this time in the spirit world would give us a lot of time alone and potentially, you know, time for some screwing around with nothing to get in the way." she stops, raising her eyebrows in a direct, clarifying, stare. "If Asami was completely okay with it, that is."

"But of course."

"And it doesn't help that she's...unbearably hot too."

_I know the feeling._

"So what stopped you?"

"I don't know."

"What happened?"

She groans, putting a hand over her eyes and squeezing them shut.

"We were going to and I _got scared_."

"Of what?'

"I don't know. That I didn't know what I was doing."

Sometimes I forget how irrational Korra is, seems like she always get's upset over nothing. Not that I would really know, I still barely know much about her other than she likes Asami and she knows how to beat the shit out of people just as well as she knows how to talk to them.

"What's the problem then?"

"That I'm the one that has _always_ initiated something between us and I was the one to get fucking scared. I feel like a damn idiot."

"You are a damn idiot, just not for that."

"Gee, thanks."

I sigh, probably reliving a whole shitload of bad memories for this speech.

"Sometimes people aren't _ready_ Korra. It doesn't _matter_ if you've initiated shit or not or whatever the circumstances it is you are under, people can _not be ready_ and it's not a _fucking crime_. If your Asami's a good girlfriend she'll know that."

"That's what she said."

I seriously feel like laughing at her from my prison cell floor, she's just made this sound so much more ridiculous.

"Then why haven't you opened your damn ears and listened to her-- wasting my fucking time when you've already got an answer?"

She raises her eyebrows at me, " _wasting my fucking time_ " but I don't even dignify an answer.

"Thank you."

We have awkward friendship, the one who landed me in jail being the one to visit me the most, the one who betrayed her and the nation itself I guess turning into the one she tells all her secrets to. It's wonders that having your hands chained to the floor and a few bars on a cage can do.

"Anything for the girl who destroyed me."

 

 

 

 

Somehow I just _know_ she will leave. _This is it, right? You've found your peace, now we can get on with our lives and pretend this never happened._

As fucking outrageous as it sounds, however, my back pressed against the back of the couch with my fingers still strung through hers and still clinging to her like the damn ocean has opened beneath us and I don't think she's trying to tear herself away. Even now I'm mentally cowering in expectation of her wrath, but she looks back so indifferently it's nothing I feel in the hand that pushes me off.

"It's late."

I hum back and she looks away, grabbing her bra off the floor with a blank expression and turning away with a glance at the clock.

"I need to go before certain people get suspicious."

"Of course."

My hand goes to the back of my neck, trying to judge the deepness of the fingernail marks sunken into my skin and if they might be visible over my armor. If only to keep myself occupied. Only to keep my eyes off of her as she continues to fish discarded clothes off the floor.

I know I'll miss her more now, and even more with every extra glance I take her way, because this won't happen again, and I'm not so keen on the idea of being stuck fucking daydreaming over how amazing her body really is now I've actually seen so much of it.

"Was that your way of finding peace or something?" I choke out, my throat closed and desperate for distraction. She just looks at me, blinking, oblivious to my struggle or not caring about how I try to focus on her face and shrugs.

Fucking shrugs.

My eyes probably blow wide, completely confused now and turning my helmet over in my fingers just to occupy my hands. My mouth opens like some unprecedented question will roll out even while my mind stays blank, and I find myself stuck and empty when she does stand up, rakes a hand through her hair, and sighs.

"I guess I was just too curious."

"Curious." I repeat, raising an eyebrow. She turns away, awkwardly folding her arms and pressing her lips together.

"To forget what happened last week. I wanted to see how it would have played out if I didn't stop you back then."

Is that better or worse? Presumably, it seems better, but I still feel like I will only know if I can get in her mind, which I'm not, and I can't. Su, specifically, word for word-- like I could ever get those words out of my head-- wanted "to see how it would have played out". Does that mean she enjoyed the way it played out, was disappointed by how it played out?

She didn't look disappointed.

Regardless of how _disappointed_ or not she really was, she still ignores me after we part ways that night, the first time all over again, real deja vu, only this time I'm not so much tormented by what was going to happen and find myself staring off into space at my shifts remembering what did happen. Better or worse?

Better to miss her than never to have had her at all. I think. Isn't that how it works?

 

 

It's weeks later.  
I throw a glance over my shoulder, met with a long, empty hallway, and turn back to jog a few feet to her side, grabbing her shoulder and pulling in close. She doesn't flinch away or even show the slightest surprise except a glance up at me, and even that seems expressionless.

"That one closet off of the main hall. meet me there in five minutes." It's a strange request, and _that_ shows on her face.

"The closet?"

"Yeah."

I don't even expect her to meet me in there, so after stopping by the guardhouse to check up on my next shift, I take my good time getting to that closet with many frequent glances up and down the hall along my way. Empty, the whole way, until my fingers are on the knob and I'm swinging inside to the dark cavernous broom closet of emptiness.

There is no time whatsoever allowed for me to grasp my situation before I'm having my back used as a battering ram to slam the door shut and I'm breathless and confused and--

"S--mmph"

 

Both my hands go up to her face, tracing the soft jawline and taking whole seconds in the sudden dark to familiarize my fingers with her all over again. For a brief moment I crack open one eye, met with the dim image of her less than an inch from my sight and accompanied with her hands fisted in my guard uniform at the shoulders I almost fall apart knowing she's _back_ and I could probably count her fucking eyelashes from this distance.

Separation isn't rushed, Su ducking back from me, our noses still brushing and sucking in air we'd forgotten we needed until we broke apart. Her hands come away from my uniform, turning away with one hand over her mouth.

"I missed you."

 _She_ missed _me_.

"Then _why_ have you been ignoring me, baby?"

She moves me out of the way, looking through the slats in the door probably in case someone heard the door fucking _slam_ closed, her fault.

"I used to call you that." Dropping my head down against the door beside hers, I raise an eyebrow her way, to which she turns back, an almost evil smirk spreading over the side of her face. "You were eight and had chronic nightmares about trees."

"You're really going to go there, are you?"

"We've all gone places we shouldn't." She says it innocently, but I catch the off-glint in her eye that implies just _exactly_ what she's getting at, and I don't know if that makes me want to reconsider my life or jump for fuckin' joy.

"So why did you ignore me all this time?"

"To see if I could."

"And you couldn't?"

I see her stubborness again, how she visibly closes up and lays her forehead against the door like a child refusing to obey, then says in a low whisper:

"I'm bored and I need your sex again."

A smile creeps back over my face and I can't stop myself from internally celebrating my luck, regardless of her obvious complicated feelings.

"Now?" I hum, stepping close against her turned back and laying my chin against her shoulder.

"We're in a _closet_ for fucks sake." She protests suddenly, hands going around my wrists already snaking around her waist. "I am _not_ not risking that shit."

"You're cursing."

"What does it matter?"

I've figured her out at this point, the only way to get past her weak defenses. She won't give up on her own, not then, even though it's very obvious she wants to, but the only way to get her to bend your way is to tempt her into it slowly, like a wild animal.

That's why the iron grip she holds on my hands means nothing, because her arms are going to be the only part of her that's solid other than her tongue and with my arms immobile it still takes less than a second to get her against the wall, my cheek pressed into the side of her neck and using the rest of my body to pin her down by the hips.

"You sure?" Her grip softens and gives me room to drop my arms from her waist casually as I leave a single, distracting kiss at the base of her neck, listing one hand to pull some of her hair falling over her face behind her ear. "You seemed to enjoy the last time."

"Did I?"

Zaofu is a great place, it really is, if it weren't for the extremely inconvenient robes everyone seems to wear 24/7 and I hadn't put a second into this thought until this exact moment.

"You did." My fingers slide up under the top of her robes and untuck the shirt underneath so I can skirt my hand up across her stomach and slip up inside her bra to cup her breast lightly, my thumb rubbing lightly over her nipple. "In fact, I recall you liking it a lot. I can remind you if you've forgotten."

Like she ever forgot--it's more of an excuse to have her at my submission again for a short amount of time, fuck knows I thought I'd never get to again.

"But I can't stay in here long so hurry up with whatever it is you're doing."

"Then I just won't do anything." I tell her under my breath, dropping my free hand in the other direction as my opposite thumb rubs small circles over her hardened nipple. This is just a casual reminder to make up for all the weeks we spent away from each other, and if I'm lucky, keep her wanting me around.

I do catch the hitch in her breath when my hand drops to her crotch and I let my fingers slide down and rub the tips of my fingers over her clit through her clothes. That starts something, while my thumb continues to roll her nipple into the side of my index finger harder in rhythm with my other fingers she arches her back into me, both hands fisted against the wall.

"Why do you do this?"

"I like to."

Her forehead presses into the wall in front of us, still breathing heavily as my fingers on her clit roll harder but but still painfully unsatisfying with so many layers under them.

"Would you also maybe "like to" _actually_ touch me?"

"If you ask nicely."

"Fuck you."

I can't help laughing softly, enjoying the way she's just nearly begged for me, stubbornness aside, and move my hand back up to drop it under her waistband, moving back down to my goal with no barrier, her nearly whining in the back of her throat when i start drawing the circles back over her again.

"But why are you-- _shit_ why do you like to do this?"

"Few reasons."

"What reasons?" I stop my motions and she basically _groans_ in protest, until I drop my fingers lower, rubbing over her sex already wet from my fingers.

"I'm in love with you. That's something of a reason to start with, right?"

Wow, that came out fast. And I told myself I was gonna hold real shit like that back when I was with her.

"Oh."

I can't help but look back up, biting my lip in regret and watching her face change. It's still a blank stare, but I still... I feel like that _hurts_ her. Like that struck some nerve in her, maybe she even feels _bad_ about not getting to return that affection.

I wish I could tell her I don't need it returned. That this is enough.

"You're so wet."

"Really?" I know she's questioning my sudden declaration of love but I choose to ignore that.

"Fuck yes...I mean I don't even know how I got you this wet so fast I mean _really_." My outstretched fingers slide over her slick opening and back up to her clit to keep rolling over it like I have been as she raises a hand to her face. Turning her palm up to her mouth, I just watch as she bites down on her own skin, muffling the sounds I drag out of her with my fingers. Good. Empty closets don't moan.

"Why did you leave the first time?" Of course I don't expect her to answer, but knowing our current fucked up schedules, I'm suddenly finding myself driven to get answers. "You seemed fine, but suddenly that changed and I was so confused--" I glance up into her eyes, squeezed shut and biting down on her hand hard, eyebrows pulling down just barely in recognition of my question. Keeping my fingers moving, I let her, pressing her into the wall and going silent again.

Her hand shoots down with lightning speed, stopping my hand and pulling her other away from her mouth slowly. Rendered motionless, I move back jsut enough to allow her room until her hand drops, eyes opening to stare into the paint once again.

I'm not sure what to say, lifting my head from her shoulder to turn back and kiss the edge of her jaw, then taking my hands away and letting her turn back around on her own.

She looks at the ground, not moving from the wall except to pull her bra back over her chest where I'd pulled it away and folding her arms almost dejectedly. Her hair has started falling out from behind her ear too. That's a real image.

"I wasn't ready."

"You seemed like it."

"i was _confused_." I really hope I don't make her cry cause it looks like it..."I didn't know what I was doing and I _panicked_ \--shit, Kuvira I _still_ don't know what I'm doing."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Not sure what to do with my presence, and _really_ not wanting this to turn into something worse, I step back against her, planting both hands on her waist and just kiss her. Not urgently or passionately, just brief and just to let her know _I'll be here_ even though she's still confused.

"How do you feel about this?"

"I have no fucking idea." I still feel her arms coming around the back of my uniform, and that alone makes me smile.

"Would you like to try?"

" _Yeah_."

"Okay."

"Kuvira?'

"Yeah?"

"I'm a good fifteen minutes late to a meeting and you were supposed to be there too."

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about halfway through this chapter i realized i made it seem like there was gonna be smut and then ther e wa s n t so i felt BAD and that's why theres some fuckery at the end of the chapter
> 
> stay in school kids and remember empty closets dont moan


	4. fucking hallways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i could not for the life of me find a name for this chapter
> 
> this is just a lot of talking yall i started school again i swear there will be shit in the next chapter worth ur while  
> pls comment i need ur pity-praise

I never felt like I belonged in Zaofu.

Yes, now that I'm chained to the floor in my specially-designed Zaofu prison cell, I sure as _hell_ feel out of place, but I'm talking about before.

When I first arrived in the metal city, I never went anywhere, or felt comfortable around anyone but Su. I clung to her like a leech-- like I was afraid that without my protector the walls would swallow me up like some kind of booby-trapped sci-fi and with no one to hear my screams.

I _belonged_ with her. I felt better about being there with her around, because the only questions people would ask were _"How is she?" "Still not talking?" "Is she as good of a bender as I've heard?"_ And the best part was, I never had to answer them. For the first few months after my arrival, I was mute to anyone other than her, and people _understood_ and people didn't pressure me, and that's how I eventually gained my trust of others. At twelve years old, I had full control. And took advantage of it.

I never played with Su's other kids, even though her son was my age exactly and often tried to drag me along on some adventure or other. I tried it once. Let him drag me to the edges of the city and find the place where they kept the retracted domes during the day, because his father had just explained to him how they worked and he was so euphoric about this information he needed someone to gush to about the damn mechanics.

I always thought he was too excited.

Still, as a young teenager and throughout the next few years in Zaofu training, learning how to dance, moving up the ranks in the guard, I was _out of place more than ever_. It wasn't as if I came from nobility, like the Beifongs. My inclusion into this high-class civilization was the result of nothing more than Su's sheer compassion and probably the fact that I could bend. I couldn't even walk down the fucking hall without wanting to hide because it just felt too unnatural that someone like me would be allowed to roam free through such a place.

Nearly five years later, running down those halls with her, I feel fine. We're late, and even though you would have to be incredibly presumptuous to figure out that we were touching each other in a broom closet like fucking teenagers, neither of us are too keen on the idea of coming late to anything together.

There's still a moment, both of us quiet except for the sounds of the occasional clank echoing from my metal armor, where I glance over and she's staring straight ahead, and I remember what she said back there.

_"I was confused--shit, I still don't know what I'm doing--"_

"I'm sorry I made us late."

There's no answer, she looks back up, pushing hair behind her ear and smirks, and that's it.

And I'm not out of place, I've been running down these halls for years, haven't I? I've only retraced my steps, over and over, and running down those passageways by her side, just like I clung to her and followed her down as a child, it's come to be my _home_.

 

We end up bursting into the conference room and all of it's admittedly dirty memories about half an hour after we were meant to be there, keeping straight, innocent faces and getting caught up in the conversation immediately.

I don't even know what the meeting is for. Just that I don't have to talk much, as captain of the guard I'm _required_ to be there but not exactly necessary for whatever it is except for the occasional "I agree." I'm way too preoccupied anyways to provide anything of worth.

She's left a _bruise_ on the palm of her left hand, and I brush it off at first but I actually start thinking about her biting down on her palm to keep herself quiet back in the closet, and apparently she was biting pretty hard. Hard enough for an elliptical little mark dotted with the imprints of her teeth to still show up against her skin. Could people _notice_? Would they even be able to guess? Am I being paranoid?

She's noticed me staring at this point, and jerks her head upwards in question. I flick my eyes wordlessly between her eyes and her hand, carelessly tucked under her chin with the mark still in plain sight and she smiles fucking _deviously_. I shoot her a look that probably expresses how risky this could very well be and she looks back over almost pityingly, leaning her mouth into her palm to nip the bruised skin as I watch her in astonishment. Being seductive, _now?_

Someone elbows her and she looks away quickly, expression changing in a heartbeat as I look down to run my finger over the exquisitely-cut windowsill. This is all so perfect. Perfect, straight edge lifestyle, generic roles, straight, perfect relationships, it's all so cute and disgusting. The way she looks at him, even after what we did, twice now.

That's right, it wasn't impulse, we've consciously chosen to dismiss common morality and succumb to nothing other than what we want. Talking about facades--what about this one? Innocent devotion like the perfect matriarch she says she's not.

_Do you want her to look ashamed?_

But every time she turns around, her entire expression changes, her eyebrows raise and the way her eyes completely shine is not faked in the least. Probably the most genuine emotion I have ever seen in her is when she looks at _him_.

Of course her affair with me is not initiated by a loveless marriage--I never wondered about that, but seeing her fluctuate so easily between the devious soul who kind of just wants sex and the faithful, almost childish, adoring one reveals so well the truth of her deceptive nature. But it's so obvious, not just because of my blind lust after her for so long, and the persistent search for something in her that could shift in the direction I wanted her to that I had found myself wound up in, she feels something. She's being fucking deceitful, yes, but whether it be by lust or some spark of affection-- she _wants me around_. It's two different emotions, yes, but her feelings towards me and him are just as real as the other.

I don't know if I despise her ability to have both of us or admire it, because no matter that I can do, it means I'll never have her to myself, but then wasn't it the reason I had her at all? Do we fill each other's voids? Me and him?

And I fill my head with this, and her hand stopping mine on the doorknob of that conference room, even though we were late, just to give me time to lean over and peck her on the lips, exchanging a whispered _“We need to talk.” “Tonight?” _and a nod before we walked in. Predictably enough, we don’t talk, we take advantage of the free time and resolve that there isn’t really much to talk about, when I walk in removing my armor and shes already pulling me down, forcing me quiet and running her hands up my uniform until I give up the "we should take this slowly" idea.__

__But we do it._ _

__We manage it, we _try_ , in dark closets and the conference room after I get off shift and her husband is busy with some big architectural breakthrough or other. Which is all the time. It didn’t take long before I couldn’t hear mention of Baatar without immediately associating him with genius._ _

__I really do envy how perfect they are. Su has her problems, yes, but she also has her bending and power and combined with his sheer talent for innovation and design they couldn't be a better duo to create the phenomenal miracle of architecture that Zaofu is. It's the cliche "power couple" idea, but it's more true than anything._ _

__And I'm the stand in. I'll be the stand-in, even if I get the weird twist in my gut of inferiority every time I'm reminded of her real lover in this big, structured mess. Taking us for granted is something I'd never think to do, as fragile as we actually are. It's enough, picking around in the shadows until we get used to it and she begins to fall into it easily. Not that she particularly knows what she's doing, hell if I know, either, but she's not avoiding me, and isn't scared, and that's enough._ _

__I think we stopped asking questions, too. Save, of course, for the occasional _"Are we still down for tonight?", "When is your shift ending?", "Do you want me to stop?"_ And the answers are not all the same, and sometimes I don't see her at all, and sometimes we spend hours in slightly awkward conversation sitting cross-legged on the couches in the conference room and talking about whatever the fuck we talk about, like I'm ever exactly listening._ _

__It continues like this, meeting in secret, until I could probably close my eyes and find the indention of the scar that runs across her back under her shoulderblades or the light burns, scars, things she picked up all the times she was too careless as a kid or threw herself into something she shouldn't have necessarily thrown herself into. She knows all of them, where they came from, if it was something from her pirate era or daredeviling around the earth kingdom in the stories I've heard in the past and the ones she tells me in the nights when she doesn't want to do anything, when I'll take one of her arms or something and search for a mark I haven't heard the impressively detailed story of, sometimes purposefully pointing out one whose origin I know and watch the corners of her mouth turn down when she realizes._ _

__"I don't think I remember." But she meets me dead on with such an innocent look when I lay my finger on a reddish cluster of marks like a tiny galaxy across her collarbone, lifting a hand to it as if it could help her see better. "Do you?"_ _

__"I may not recall."_ _

__She looks back up from lowered eyes, lips pressed together and not exactly annoyed but more like she's caught on, and follows along with a smirk._ _

__"That was you."_ _

__"Was it really?" I gasp innocently and she nods back as I drop my finger to another, vibrant bruise on one side of her chest._ _

__"Then this one?"_ _

__"You again."_ _

__"Here?"_ _

__"Still you."_ _

__"What's this story?"_ _

__"You asked me if you could do that." I remember it all as I trace the mark still so bright against her skin, smirking softly and gazing up. It's not like we're _rough_ , but stuff happens. And I'll admit, I've found odd enjoyment in leaving the occasional mark after one of our rendezvous. Add that to the list of things I never would have known before I started meeting up with her._ _

__"Tell me more."_ _

__"We didn't have much time, I think we were just rushing through something since we hadn't seen each other all day..." she trails off as I lean in closer, pressing a few, softer kisses around the first one on her neck._ _

__

__It feels like ages since I asked her that question. It's been a week._ _

__But then I remember._ _

__I'm so close to asking her to go on, but I stop, lips brushing against skin and blank. And when I do open my mouth again, it isn't the question I mean to ask. Or maybe it's the only real question._ _

__I don't know._ _

__

__"Do you really love him?"_ _

__She shrinks back from me, me stupidly moving away only to introduce the question._ _

__"Now?" She groans in frustration. "You're really deciding to ask this _now_?"_ _

__Looking up, I lean to the side and rest my chin on my hand, letting her slide out from under me and draw herself up against the other side of the couch with the unavoidable expression creeping over her face like a shadow, always telling me when I've thrown sparks onto the wrong bonfire._ _

__"Yes." She snaps, pausing briefly before repeating in a calmer tone. "Yeah, okay, I really do." She wraps her arms around her chest defensively. "And that's why I would prefer you didn't bring him up when we're together."_ _

__"Okay."_ _

__"He'd be...pretty fucking devastated."_ _

__I envy that assurance._ _

__"What about me?"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"What about me-- do you love me?"_ _

__She looks down as if stuck, and I turn away._ _

__"Right."_ _

__"Wait--" She looks back up, pulling me back around and frowning, almost seeming worried. "I didn't mean--"_ _

___Kuvira_._ _

__"No, It's fine." I snap probably a bit too loudly, scrambling to seem...to seem like I--to act _normal_. How I should act. I run my hand back through my fringe, tucking it back behind my ear as I press my lips together,if anything just to stop myself from blurting out more idiotic comments. "I told you I didn't care and I meant it, I just--I don't know what came over me."_ _

__She gives me the _look_ , perhaps some part of her still trying to be my mother coming out in the familiar you-can't-lie-to-me look, melting back into deep, heartfelt concern as she begins to grasp my emotions._ _

__Somehow I want to slide away as she gravitates closer, outside my space but still so close, an egregiously hypocritical emotion on my part considering my constant invasion of her own bubble._ _

__"Look, I was very confused and in a state of emotional peril when we started this," she begins, pausing as as if to think up her next words and sticking her hands between her knees. "I guess what I mean is...two extremely rushed meetings behind my husband's back is not in any way enough to decide if you love someone. Especially if you've known them and raised them more than half their life it's kind of..." She stops, mouth open as if cut off before pulling back together. "Okay, It's _extremely_ unnatural. To me."_ _

__"I know." It's all I seem to be able to say, and I want to slap myself for paying...playing the _victim_._ _

__"I really do care about you, Kuvira."_ _

__"You know how I feel." I remind her lamely._ _

__"And I'm not saying I won't come to a point where I can say I have developed feelings...similar to yours, but I'm still not even used to this entire thing, much less at _that_ point." She sighs. "I'm doing this for a reason, you know."_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"I care about you, and making you happy is very important to me, but honestly I really do enjoy this. And not because I lack happiness in my other relationship."_ _

__I can't help smiling at that. I'm actually something to her, whatever that may be, and that feels _great_. Greater than the feeling I get when I curl my fingers around the back of her neck and pull her back into a kiss that isn't forced for once, but grows deeper, until I can nudge her back into the side of the couch._ _

__This is why I do it, cause I love her and doing stuff to her, already having mapped out where to go and how to make my way down the length of her torso, how to use my tongue in all the right ways. It's what I do. How I keep her._ _

__She still gave me hope, saying things like that. Maybe there's a chance for us. I don't know how in the hell there ever could be, but the way she looks at me and tells me honestly how much she enjoys our meetings-- it overshadows any doubt I could ever have._ _

__

__

__Feeling fulfilled, I replay that conversation in my head like a broken record for the next full day, recounting her words of assurance in my head as I smile to myself over the walls of the main estate, my staff resting carelessly on the wall beside me. Hard platinum just _radiates_ heat, even in the shade._ _

__"You still awake there, captain?!"_ _

__I have zoned out to a dangerous degree at this point, having to take a few blinks before I turn, staring down the length of the wall to the guard at the next post over and shoot a smirk in her direction._ _

__"You're just hoping you can catch me slacking."_ _

__

__"Just making sure you aren't about to fall off that wall!" She calls back and I lift my helmet, shifting my weight onto my elbow so I can watch her easier._ _

__"You're not fooling anyone." I scoff and she rolls her eyes, smiling. "You just want my position from me."_ _

__"Maybe so." I recede into my armor and wrap my hand back around my staff, focusing more intently on the mountainside, getting no response for a while other than the lazy buzz of mosquitoes and other bane-of-my-existence insects that typically come out in the summer. She's the one to break the silence, just as I'm beginning to zone back out, calling over definitely too loudly._ _

__"There's a girl, huh?"_ _

__A girl._ _

___Not exactly_ , I find myself thinking._ _

__Spirits, no, much, _much_ more than that-- some, what, prissy, young, provocative, _girl_ , not sure of herself yet and maybe just a little curious what sex with someone with boobs feels like. Would that be the kind of girl I would find myself screwing with if I wasn't with Su?_ _

__Probably._ _

__"No."_ _

__"Well, what then? Don't think you can try convincing me it's a _guy_ , if that's what you're saying." I tilt my head, just enough to glare at her, and she swipes away a wild lock of hair, plastered to her forehead with sweat, a devilish smile spread over her features._ _

__"And why couldn't it be a guy?" Gasping, I watch her face fall into a frustrated frown as she sighs dramatically._ _

__"Honestly, who are we kidding here?"_ _

__

__"Well I think you need to mind your own fucking business." _And stop deciding my sexuality for me_ , I leave out, _before I demote you right here.__ _

__"So is she in the troupe?" She presses, ignoring my internalized threats and I groan, boring a hole through the mountains in the distance with my eyes._ _

__" _No_ , she's not in the troupe."_ _

__"Do I know her, then?"_ _

__" _No_."_ _

__She blinks, stuck, and shows no warning before launching a new question._ _

__"Does she love you?"_ _

__That stops me, because something in my ego tells me I can't say no, even if it's the confirmed truth. Like this under-ranked guard whose name escapes me even now can't know over my dead body that I'm up to my neck in a one-sided relationship._ _

__"I don't believe so." I shrug indifferently, deciding to proceed against my gut._ _

__"That's rough."_ _

__Shaking my head, I backtrack before things have a chance to get deeper, sputtering out something about being _used to it.__ _

__"Even so, shit, that sounds like it would _suck_." She calls back, neither of us seeming to care at this point how loud we are, not that anyone is around at this time of day. People are inside, no real reason to be out in the approaching darkness. Domes should be closing soon anyways._ _

__"Not really. We still see each other, I guess just without the romance. I'm not exactly missing out on much."_ _

__"But don't you wish you had the full package?"_ _

__"I guess it doesn't matter, in the long run, does it? Love would just complicate things further, and part of me would even say my current situation is ideal. Leaves out a lot of pressure that would come with a romance."_ _

__It's only a half-truth, but it makes sense, right? It isn't like I will ever have to face her choosing between love with me or her husband this way. That wouldn't go well, and I know it, so why not stay in the comfortable, mutual satisfaction we get from each other, a healthy compromise, me finding enjoyment in hers, with no pressure or commitment. It seems perfect._ _

__

__"It's probably for the best that she doesn't love me back."_ _

__She looks down, smiling slightly and I start to wonder if I've given something away when she checks her watch, looking back up with a smirk and picking up her staff._ _

__"Looks like it's time for me to sign out."_ _

__I check behind us and she must be right, her replacement already on his way up, so I nod back in farewell._ _

__"Nice talking--and no falling asleep up here." she salutes mockingly and bounds back down the steps._ _

__It seems idiotic of me to reveal such information to another guard, but there's no way she could ever find out who it is I spoke to her about, so it must me safe. And maybe it was good for me._ _

__I don't need Su loving me back._ _

__I don't._ _

__And that realization alone lifts my spirits like the weight of knowing I set myself up for self-destruction is gone just as easily as cutting the right cable on my time bomb and listening to the infernal beeping giving way to silence. Beautiful silence. In the dusky glow of the grounds after the sun has set, where I feel like I hold power, the girl's replacement saluting me smartly as he trudges to his post and watches the entire thing with me.  
I belong here, with my position in the guard and my steady relationship, tying me to the most powerful person in my life and Zaofu itself. Not only for her, but I feel like it lifts me up, brings me to respect my own status and where I am in life, so much more than the awkward, scared child who lived her teenage years in fear of long corridors. Influential, important, valued by other people._ _

__

__I felt great._ _


End file.
